Friday, May 25, 2012

Hermit

So I know I have something to say but I'm not quite sure what it is.  All I know is that I hurt... a lot and I have no reason to be.  This kind of thing never happens to me, I stay detached so I stay okay but then SHE had to come waltzing in and make me her friend.  SHE had to make me feel like I was wanted and I let myself believe that this time it was different.  Its never different, they have me around until someone shiny and new comes along and then at first I'm still in the loop but slowly I'm forgotten until we only speak once a month then once every two months until suddenly we just smile at each other in the hallway because we caught each other's eye and theres no way to get out of it.  And then after awhile, we're strangers.  I know how it works and its happened before, but for once I thought it would be different.

Maybe I should just be alone forever.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Thursday, May 22, 1997

Or as I'd like to call it, the day I was born.  I don't like too many of the things about myself but I'm very fond of my birthday.  A bit about it:

- its exactly 6 days after my Grandfathers' birthday
-it's the first day of the gemini zodiac sign (I don't believe in astrology but its interesting)
-its my favorite author, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's birthday.  I was raised by my grandparent's half the time and the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes are my grandmother's favorites so they were my bedtime stories as a child.  I started reading his other works in the last couple of years
-The Beatles get their eighth consecutive #1 on american charts in 1965
-In some monotheistic lore that includes belief of angels, they name Castiel as the angel of Thursday.
- Victor Hugo dies in 1885
-Alfred Day Hershey dies in 1997
-feast day of St Rita


Yeah so its my birthday, I'm fifteen and I don't feel any different, but its still going to be a lovely day.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

What I know so far

What I know so far as to figuring out the Reichenbach Fall:

-the audience
-John had to go back to where he was so he'd be right in Sebastian's sight and so would Sherlock
-the speculation about the rubber ball is irrelevant
-pigs blood
-nothing in the show at all is ever just a filler, damn americans cutting things out
-don't overthink

I have sufficient evidence, I just need to make my conclusion.  May be off the internet for a couple days to turn this over in my head some more.  Of course my birthday is Tuesday so..... that's inconvenient....

and I don't even have my magazines.....

Thursday, May 10, 2012

DOWEEEDOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOO

Yeah so not grounded anymore.  Everyone I've met in the last week (like 20 people) insist on calling me John and its all Jackie's fault, and......

I....
Am.......
BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 4, 2012

still breathing

so yes I'm still alive, grounded, but alive.  Technically, I'm not supposed to be on the computer but mom is asleep and I'm rather bored.

Also, today I found out that I have a 99 in world geography.  So this is what its like to apply yourself to an extremely monotonous yet rather academically (but not practically) important subject, I quite like it, I shan't do it again, but having all A's is nice

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

You Know you're a screw up when you can't even bleed

In a matter of hours, all the progress I've made concerning my addiction to pain has been reduced to ashes.  I'd like to think that I'm strong, but I'm not.  I'm a fake.  I put on a smile every day so I can pretend to convince myself that I'm not at war.  My heart always hurts and I haven't been able to cry in a year, my friends mock me in a friendly way and I'm pretend to laugh along, people never get my name right, a girl on Facebook makes it her mission to refute everything I say, and my family constantly tells me I'm pretty even when I know for a fact they're just being nice and all I want is for them to tell the truth.  It seems like these are all such petty things for me to worry about but its always the little things that start the tidal wave.  The tip of the iceberg is just what my mother told me tonight.  "you disappoint me."
   I'm not in a broken home, my mother isn't abusive, I have friends at school, and I'm an over all good kid with a good life.  But what I have isn't something caused by the circumstances I grew up in, its a mutation in my own brain.  Its a mutation that screams to me "YOU'RE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM!!!" its one that says "alone is protection and you don't need friends to help, friends always just cause pain because you're selfish and want to keep them close, its easier to just never let them get in." I've never really had friends till this year.  When I was a child the other 4 year olds called me a freak, my godbrother harassed me for trying to be myself, I hated group activities in early elementary school and spent my time indoors doing worksheets instead of recess because the other kids were never like me.  In third grade I had a friend for awhile, she left; then I met Catherine, who became attached to David shortly after 5th grade started; sixth grade I had Aleia, until she figured out about my suicide attempt, she called me a freak too; Kendra really did try to help, but we got too close so she had to go; I still keep in touch with them but I know how better off they are with out me, I know that if I didn't cut off first then they would eventually leave me until I was no better than a stranger.
  My treatment went well for awhile.  I was prone to self harm since I was little.  Its not that I was depressed, I was just too different.  In eighth grade I started therapy, I went for about a year and then felt well enough to stop.  My grades were good, my life was good, I had a boyfriend for a bit, and I made a friend who I felt safe with.  Then I screwed my relationship and grades, my life was still okay and the grades got back on track until recently. I slowly stopped eating again, but thats okay, I still have good days and bad days on that.  But today I found out my grades, I don't think they're bad, I have a C in two classes for the quarter and mostly A's and a couple B's for the semester, which for me is really really good.  Trust me, I'm not of average intelligence, but some things I don't think are necessary or useful so I don't try as hard.  But I have a couple of zeros which my mom takes as I'm doing nothing what-so-ever and I need to fix already definite things.  Then she said no less than seven times how disappointed she was in me.  Some things I can't handle no matter the circumstance, and this is one.  It makes me want to die. I want to die.  I really do.   The inflamed bits of skin on my arm can tell you that, it would have been so much easier if it would have just bled, but instead I've spent the last half hour trying to hack away at unusually tough skin and its just keeps getting pinker and pinker.  I want to die, I just wish I had the guts. Honestly, I'd like to say this is my note, but I'm too much of a coward to go through with half of these plans.  So yes, as much as I don't want to be, I will probably be alive tomorrow and the next day and the day after; its not the statement of a spoiled teen from the suburbs with nothing more dramatic to do, this is the statement of a psyche that is tired of fighting.